Embracing the Gift of Singleness
Have you ever received a gift from someone which created the desire to “return to sender” or re-gift to a more suitable recipient? Be honest, we’ve all been there!
For a while, singleness was one of those gifts for me. After opening it when I entered adulthood, I wanted to put it back in its packaging and throw it in the bin. Growing up, I had a plan for my life and that plan didn’t include being single past the age of twenty-five. I turn thirty this year and I’m as single as they come! And you know what? I’m grateful that I’m currently not dating or married. I certainly wouldn’t have said that 7 or 8 years ago. God has taken me on a journey of significant growth in singleness and relationships that has enabled me to be content in my current season.
But wait…singleness as a gift?! Yes, my friend, singleness is a gift from the greatest gift giver of all – God. Whether or not you call yourself a Christian, your season of singleness can be a blessing if you embrace it.
When many may view singleness in a negative light, how can we view it as a gift and a blessing? Well, I have a few thoughts to share on this topic. If you don’t see singleness as a gift by the time you finish reading, then forgive me and seek God for His perspective!
Okay, I’m ready to rise up to the challenge. Here are 5 reasons (in no particular order) a season of singleness can be a blessing…
Reason #1: Being single allows you to get to know yourself
I know being alone can be a scary thought for some but being alone doesn’t have to mean feeling lonely. In fact, spending time with yourself is healthy! And the single season is the best time to savour those moments alone.
Personally, when I’m spending time alone, I’m left with my own thoughts. Now, I’m an introvert so though I may not say much, at any given moment I have an endless amount of thoughts circling my mind. It can be chaotic up there! My alone time allows me to order those thoughts and process with no interruption. I often emerge from my solitude with a better understanding of what I want, what I don’t want, my goals, dreams and desires. In being aware of these things, I grow to know the person God created me to be.
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalms 139:14
Reason #2: Being single is a chance to deal with your stuff, just you and God
There’s nothing that makes you feel more “behind” in the stages of life than when you watch most of your closest friends tie the knot and there you are, still single. You smile and keep tight lipped in response to well wishers who assure you that your time will come, that God has only the best for you or even from some, that maybe your standards are too high. What?! On that last one – if you’re single as you read this, please don’t settle when it comes to the person you plan on spending the rest of this life with! You’ll save yourself a lot of struggle and striving down the track.
Think of it this way, maybe this single season is an opportunity for you to deal with your stuff (insecurities, disappointments, worries, unforgiveness).
Maybe God is protecting you from the heartache of entering into a marriage prematurely before healing and restoration takes place.
Maybe God wants to use this time to prepare you in ways you never considered for a marriage that will far exceed your expectations.
Reason #3: Being single sets you up for success in future relationships
The more time you get to know and accept yourself, the more you learn to love yourself. You’ve probably heard it said before, when you love yourself for who you are, you’re better able to love those around you. Now that sounds like a good start for successful relationships! God created us for relationship. His desire is to see us succeed in the relationships in our lives. Perhaps a purpose of your current season as a single person is for God to equip you with what you need to maintain healthy relationships.
What does a successful relationship look like? Here’s a little peek:
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Having realistic expectations of the other person’s role in your life. Just like love, when you learn to give yourself grace, you’re positioned to show grace to others.
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Favouring opportunities to give to rather than receive from the other person. A season of singleness and gives you the time for guilt-free self-centeredness (to a reasonable extent) as you focus on yourself. Watch your relationships thrive as you are able to be fully present when around your loved ones, co-workers, community, maybe even strangers!
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Open and honest (timely!) communication. I have found that the more confident I became in who I am, the less I sought approval from others. This freed me to be open and honest with the people in my life. Communication is key!
Reason #4: Being single creates space to focus on Jesus
Being in the church, you can be constantly confronted by your singleness. You see families streaming into the building on a Sunday, doing church together. You get asked the question of whether there is a special man or woman in your life (yes, His name is Jesus). You congratulate yet another couple on their engagement. You’re single and you know it!
On the flip side, this is the perfect opportunity to focus on Jesus.
“and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband.” 1 Corinthians 7:34
In the above scripture, the apostle Paul shares wisdom from his experience with singleness. Paul never married but that didn’t seem to be of any concern to him. Why? Because being unattached allowed him to focus on his ministry. It was Paul’s singleness that contributed to him being as effective as he was in building the early church!
“But Paul remained single, I don’t want to be single forever!” All my single friends out there, I hear you! You and me both. What God has helped me realise, after much dialogue on this topic, is that it’s not about how long this season lasts but about what you do with this season. When we let go and leave it in God’s hands, we will eventually see the remaining pieces of the puzzle fall into place.
“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” Matthew 6:33
Reason #5: Being single allows you to pursue dreams and desires with greater freedom
“Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4
This is the time in our lives to dream and live audaciously!
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The time to go on that spontaneous adventure.
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The time to start that new endeavour
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The time to quit that unfulfilling job to follow your passion (if that’s where God is leading you).
Without another person to consider how they will fit in the picture, the possibilities are endless! Enjoy the “freedom” of this season in which God has placed you. You’ll ask yourself a whole lot less of “what if…?” questions in seasons to come!
When you do enter the season of “I Do”, then you can dream and scheme together with the absence of the feeling of missing out/being limited.
So, how did I do? Has your perspective of singleness shifted? Please share your comments below!
Maybe you already viewed singleness as a gift to be embraced. Whatever your view may be, my heart is that we would recognise the value of every season we walk through and live it out to its fullest potential.
If you liked this post or know someone who will, please share the love with them 🙂
Written by Oyelola
Oyelola is a copywriter, brand voice strategist and pastor by day and the writer of He Speaks, I Write by night. She's a lover of Jesus, matcha and walks in the sunshine. Her heart is to see people know and experience the love, presence and power of God - to truly live an abundant life.
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When Paul calls singleness a “gift,” he seems to be referring to an ability, not the state of being single. Remember, Paul didn’t write these epistles in English. In Greek, the word “gift” here means an ability. It’s the same word he uses for spiritual gifts. He also says in 7:9 that this gift is “from God.”
If you don’t want to be single, that’s fine. I was single at thirty as well, and still single at the time of writing this at 31. And, yeah, the single “season” can be a valuable time, for sure. If you want to get married, you’ll need certain assets. A well-paying job, a place to live, a godly lifestyle, good habits, etc. These things don’t just happen. Single you will be the married you, unless you make an effort to change.
Still, I’d be wary of the idea that your current singleness is all God’s doing. Often, as Christians, However, as Christians we often have the idea that God’s a puppetmaster who’s running every aspect of our dating lives. But it seems like we have a choice in the matter (see 1 Corinthians 7:39, for instance) And the idea of “soulmates,” for instance, comes from Greek philosophy and mythology. The Bible doesn’t mention it anywhere.
As humans, we aren’t puppets. We can make decisions, and we live in bad, sinful world that affects our lives and sometimes limits our choices. Many Christians assume that, if they marry, it happened because it was “God’s will” and because God wanted to bless them. That answer is easy. If you want to marry and end up not marrying, obviously you’ll struggle with more, and harder, questions. But, apparently, you remain unmarried because God didn’t want you to marry. But that leaves out all sorts of factors.
It also absolves us of responsibility. People are single for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes it’s just bad luck. Sometimes it’s for bad reasons, like lack of maturity, poor financial stewardship, things like that, bad social skills, inability to deal with the opposite sex, etc. Sometimes we just don’t have any candidates around us who are marriage material, even if they’re Christians.
These days, lots of people wait longer to get married. Is that a plan that God devised? God “used to” do that when you were 16-22 years old, but now He, in His infinite wisdom, has decided to test us further by letting us all wait an extra ten years or so. Right.
As Christians we often have the shaky idea that anything and everything happening in our lives is God’s will. Sure. What if I’m currently homeless, or unemployed, or being abused? Are those things happening because God wants these things for my life? I get that we to honor God’s sovereignty and all that. It seems like the proper, “spiritual” thing to do. But we can’t understand this, at the end of the day. Unless good things happen, of course, like marrying on our timeline. Those things are obviously God’s will, right? Sure. It’s certainly easier to “thank God” for them.
Maybe God does bring partners into our lives. I don’t really know. But this idea that He delivers the perfect soulmate at exactly the right time seems counterproductive sometimes, as well as shaky. It sounds great, and it’s comforting, but that’s about all it does.
Yes, God is good. But we live in a fallen world that is not good. And you might not be single because God wants it that way. It could just be bad luck.
Think about the Garden of Eden. Even when the world was perfect, God said it wasn’t good that Adam was alone, so He made a helper for him. Then what happened? Mankind sinned, and the world got all screwed up. You might not be single because that was God’s Master Plan. It could just be bad luck.
In Matthew 19, Jesus also talks about singles, and he mentions a few different types: people who choose to live that way, people who were made that way by God, and people who were made that way by other men. So apparently, some people are single, and it’s not because they chose it or because God chose it. It’s just how life turned out. I’ve often read that there’s more Christian women in the world than there are men. If that’s broadly accurate, it means that not everyone will find a marriage partner. Is that part of God’s plan, or just unfortunate worldly circumstances?
If you’re single and don’t want to be, I wouldn’t be too passive about it. Especially if you’re over 25 or so.
A lot of the time, when you’re single, people tell you to “take advantage” of it because you can apparently “serve more.” You have more “time” to serve, they’ll say.
I think lot of this comes from a certain take (a misinterpretation, in my view) on what Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 7:32-35. Paul basically says that an unmarried person is devoted to the Lord and not distracted by the needs of his spouse. This is then interpreted by some to mean that a person can do “more ministry” as a single. I don’t think that’s what Paul says here. I mean, if that’s the case, why are all the pastors and church elders typically married? Did they make a mistake? Is marriage getting in the way of their ministry? What Paul says here, I believe, is that if you AREN’T distracted by the desire for marriage, then MAYBE you have the gift of singleness.
And, of course, in English, “distracted” has a negative connotation. So we often bring that into play when talking about this passage. But it seems more like Paul is merely making the elementary observation that marriage, or the search for marriage, can place more demands on your attention, in general, than staying single, Doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. And remember, ths
is being written by Paul, a man who personally prefers being single. So he’s basically admitting his own bias, haha. He even says that he has “no commandment from God” regarding this. He also says later, when telling widows that singleness is better, that this is just his own opinion.
Speaking of that, this whole chapter is fairly nuanced. What all does Paul say here? He says HE wishes that everyone was single like him, not that God wishes it. He says that he has no :commandment from God” about this. He says it’s BETTER to marry than to “burn with passion.” He “supposes” that it’s better to stay single due to the “present distress,” some crisis that the church in Corinth was dealing with at the time. He says you’re not sinning by marrying. He says that a widow would be happier if she remained single, but he admits that this is just his own opinion. Evidently, many people are NOT happier being single And if Paul wrote the Book of Hebrews, then he alos wrote that marriage is a good thing, and condemned people who forbade it.
And, yeah, for sure, it’s hard being single in a church setting. In church, you’re surrounded by families and couples. If your church is anything like mine, they might have lots of different events, ministries, or classes for engaged or married folks, and nothing about singleness or dating. I actually work in my church bookstore, and for the longest time, there were lots of books on the shelves about marriage, and nothing about singleness I did suggest some, though, and we’ve started fixing that, and these books have actually been selling very well. Why is that? Because there was a need. And, of course, in church, the pastors and church elders are, most likely, married. Have you ever gone to a church with an unmarried pastor? I haven’t been to a single one. We’ve also had “marriage conferences” at church. The only event I’ve been to about singleness or dating was one, over a decade ago in the high school ministry. And most of that talk dealt with abstinence, haha.
Hi James, thanks for taking the time to share your perspective. Paul was definitely given the grace/gift to be single – I agree. And being single could be a result of various factors including choice, God’s will, timing, environment etc. I too believe that we have a part to play if our desire is to be married someday – faith requires action but we also need to seek God on His will in terms of the person and timing.
That said, my take in this blog is more about encouraging people who are single to see this season as a gift, before the marriage season comes. I’ve found that focusing on what God is doing in this season – rather than only pining after the one to come – has given me joy, peace and contentment in the Lord. And because I surrendered my plans to God, He led me down the path of becoming a pastor (currently single, I might add), which was something I always said I never wanted but God’s desires became my desires. Glory to God!
Well, I do think that when Paul refers to the gift of singleness/gift of celibacy, he’s referring to an ability that certain people have. In Greek, the word “gift” here means an ability, not a “present.” It’s the same word he uses for spiritual gifts. He also says in 7:9 that this gift is “from God.” Paul also seems to be referring to lifelong celibacy, not a “season” of singleness.
I just wonder sometimes when people try to encourage you with saying like “singleness is a gift.” What these people usually mean is that it’s a “present” that you should be “grateful” for or “take advantage” of. But I have my doubts as to whether this is what Paul originally meant. Paul didn’t write these epistles in English, after all, haha.
And how, exactly, do we seek “God’s will in terms of the person and timing”? I’m not sure how much God really involves Himself in these sorts of things. In 1 Corinthians 7:39, Paul even says you can marry whoever you want, as long as they’re a Christian.
I appreciate you sharing your view. Some people are graced for singleness, others aren’t – that’s true.